Big Girl Blues

photo-dec-29-4-07-53-am

12/30/16, Queenstown.

Welcome to my pity party!

Sometimes it’s okay to experience your emotions in their raw form. I have found that it is from a trip to my dark side I find clarity; what I truly want and who I truly want to be. I have a rabid passion for self-growth. In order to reflect fully and honestly, I don’t like to stifle my heart despite the well-meant advice of some of those who care about me.  I love to ‘feel’, and those who know me authentically equally appreciate this characteristic as it is the driving force of my compassion. There is power in controlling one’s mindset, I acknowledge an individuals’s attitude is a manifestation of their thoughts, however today I need to ‘feel’. Today is heavy, everything feels complex. Jet lag has staked claims over my body and raised its national flag–a soul whose been imprisoned by colonization. The fatigue is emotionally difficult for me to manage as I adapt to a new surrounding, brand new faces, and a home half-way across the globe. I miss familiarity, a routine, and I’m frustrated for being unable to escape this toxic mindset. I miss my dog, I can feel it deep in the pit of my stomach. I crave the warmth of her body curved tightly to mine with the setting of the sun and rising of the moon. More than ever I know she is my purpose, she is the founding dynamic of my identity. Her love is more comforting compaprative to a humans because its lack of judgement, assumption, and preference provides a more unconditional, indefinite sense of understanding and acceptance. I am lost without a nurturing outlet and consequently my loneliness is amplified. Prior to my arrival in New Zealand, being disconnected from those back home felt manageable and an optimal opportunity to focus on reinventing myself with the coming of a new calendar year. I’ve felt significantly unaccomplished the past four months and the warmth of my tears here and now sting as they grace my wounds of defeat. So I run to feel numb and I turn to music to feel understood. Displaced and lonely, these are the lovely voices that have been serenading me to sleep at night.

1. The Mountain             Trevor Hall
2. This Place                    Wild Child
3. Miss Me                         Joe Purdy
4. Light In My Eyes        The Last Revel
5. In Control                     Greensky Bluegrass
6. Sweet Virginia             The Rolling Stones
7. Bad Self Portraits        Lake Street Dive
8. Tomorrow                      Shakey Graves
9. River                                Yonder Mountain String Band
10. Atlantic City.               The Band

I enjoy discovering music, please feel free to share song suggestions or a playlist. I want to ensure I keep a record of what music spoke to me during this experience in my life. What are ways you cope with homesickness while away from those you love? I’ve been journaling more now then I have the past year, an old habit I’ve revitalized, and the remedial properties are more apparent than ever.

Ramble on,

Bee

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